Judas 17:6-38

A reading from the newly discovered book of Judas.

6 Jesus went to his apostles and said, 7 “Alright guys. And Mary. I know you've all left your jobs and your families to come and follow me. And that's just super. 8 So in your honor, I have prepared for thee a feast.
9 What? I heard that, Thomas. Yes it will be a feast. We'll have wine, we'll recline, and it'll all be fine! Who's in?”
10 And the twelve plus Mary agreed.
11 “Fabulous! So, everyone go to the Upper Room. I've taken care of everything, just tell Simon you're on the list and he'll let you right up no problem.
12 What? I heard that, Thomas. It is not a closet it is an upper room. A penthouse if you will. I don't know what a penthouse is either but Thomas just shut up and believe me for once. 13 I swear I don't know what I put up with him for.
14 You're right Judas, he is my test.”
15 The apostles left and went to the Upper Room. And once Simon the Pharasee checked credentials to find that everyone was indeed on the guest list, the supper commenced.
16 “So on the menu tonight, we've got some wine, some bitter herbs, and some killer bread from that sweet little bakery down the street. 17 Where the baker with that body kneads the dough with his strong hands… 18 Anyway, I want to thank you all again for everything. So dig in. 19 What? I heard that Thomas. This is too a feast!”
20 And when supper had ended he took the cup, drank it, gave it to his apostles and said.
21 "Wow this wine is great! Remind me to pick up a case, or a jug, or whatever.”
22 And the then he took the bread and he broke it. He gave it to his apostles and said.
23 “I've really gotta lay off of all this bread and wine. It's hard to cry poor if we get all fat you know.”
24 And again, the apostles agreed. And they were happy. All the chosen 12 plus Mary were fulfilled in the spirit, and in the body. 25 That is, except Thomas. Jesus knew this and said to those gathered with him, 26 “I can't believe this. I try to do the best I can to be a good savior, and nobody appreciates it! 27 I wear this unshapely frock and these stupid sandals and go without a decent massage in months, and this is the thanks I get. 28 Well I'll tell you what… eat me! Okay. Just eat me. 29 Eat my flesh. 30 Drink my blood. 31 You just take take take take take!”
32 Jesus was overcome with emotion. His tears poured bitter down his face. 33 “Thomas there thinks I'm getting fat. 34 Simon Peter is going to tell everyone that he wouldn't be seen dead hanging with someone dressed like me. 35 And Judas is the only one who's been paying attention long enough to understand that I actually need one of you to do the deed that will allow me to bring salvation to all mankind. 36 All mankind plus Mary.”
37 With that, Jesus turned to his chosen Judas and commanded.
38 “Hit it, Judy.”
39 And Judas ran out into the night.

Jamila Bey-Greenhouse is a writer who does not believe in God in Washington, DC. And she'll tell you as much should you inquire.

ISSUE 5 CREDITS

Skepchick-in-Chief
Rebecca Watson

Managing Editor
Diane Perry

News Editor
Chani Overli

Contributing Writers
Lynette Davidson, Donna Druchunas, Chris Blohm, Jamila Bey-Greenhouse, Jesús Pineda, Benjamin Radford, Mike McRae, Ed Rabin

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